Sunday, April 30, 2017

Real Talk

Hello lovelies!

So, today I feel like I need to have some real talk-- to myself!

The last couple of weeks have been hard. Plain and simple. Work, my health, my personal life, my health and fitness journey-- I feel like they've all taken a turn for the worse.

I posted several weeks back that I was starting a major cut-- I was pumped, focused and was seeing results. Never in a million years did I think I would wind up taking steps backwards. I'm sitting here looking at my screen and trying not to bawl my eyes out as I type. It's like I've lost all motivation. All will power. And all I want to do is BINGE eat.

[I'm just going to be honest here for a second... Yesterday I ate: A steak, loaded mashed potatoes, TWO rolls with a ton of butter on them, pizza, ice cream, coffee... and I still wanted more.]

I've always struggled with my weight. I've always struggled with (some form) of depression. I've always struggled with self image. And I've always struggled with my relationship to food.

I think all of these things go hand-in-hand. Growing up, I never felt good enough. I always felt like the odd one in a room. I never felt pretty. I never felt confident-- I was always the odd duckling. As much as I love my family, when you grow up being made to be so "separated" from the world-- I feel like that has a long lasting affect on you. When you're never allowed to wear what other people see as "normal" clothes, you have long stringy hair because it can't be trimmed, and it's looked down upon to wear any form of makeup when you have skin issues that need to be hidden-- You turn to food. At least I did. 

As silly as this sounds, food was always there with no "limitations". No one ever gave me crap about eating as much as I wanted, or said I couldn't eat this or that. (Like every other aspect in my life) Therefore, I became obsessed with food.

Although I have now changed a lot in my life (as far as how I dress, my hair, makeup..etc.), and I am MUCH happier and making strides at being more confident... I still find myself feeling like that lost, awkward little girl at times. I find that so many people can still affect the way I see myself and make me feel like an insignificant, clueless person when it comes to how I should live MY life.

For example: I am planning a trip to Paris, France. (This isn't the post I wanted to actually announce that but I feel like I need to give this as an example right now) I have wanted to go to Paris my ENTIRE life. I am THRILLED to be going. However, almost every person in my life (that means something to me) has been anything but encouraging and excited for me. This has been going on for the last few weeks and I really do feel like I've let it get to me--- this binge eating being a direct result. I've been down on myself for so long now, I've turned to food again.


Anyways,  I'm putting this out there for the world to see. Tomorrow, I'm getting my life back together. No more dwelling on people and what their thoughts are of me. No more sweating out my decisions because someone else doesn't agree. I am going to live my life in the most positive way possible. I am going to get back to the gym and sweat it all out. I am going to put GOOD foods in my body and I am going to BE happy. I am NOT that little girl anymore and I can make my own decisions.

I was told this by one of my best friends yesterday: "There are always people who will discourage you for trying to be adventurous or who'll try to put you down for not living according to their small-town mentality. Don't let 'em get you down! There's far too much world out there to be stuck as a grocer in Van Buren, Arkansas for 70 years. God didn't give us such a big planet to only stare at a few square miles of it at a time."

He's so totally right! <3

I'm going to end this blog post on a high note... Since I did mention it above, I AM going to Paris in March and I am so excited. I paid my first $500 towards the trip and I have filled out my application for my passport. Now all that's left to do is take my passport picture, send off my application and continue to save, save, save!

I hope you all have a wonderful week!

Love always,

"Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens."

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